When you Need a Laugh.... *October 1996: Jokes from MT Daily I and II have been quoted recently in THE WASHINGTON POST and THE PORTLAND OREGONIAN. 4/4/97, from Linda: Three doctors die and go to heaven. They meet Saint Peter at the gate. The first doctor say, "I invented a serum that helped save millions of lives." Saint Peter says, "Excellent, you may enter." The second doctor says, "I perfected a heart operation that saved millions of lives." Saint Peter replys, "Superb, you may enter." The third doctor steps up and exclaims, "I invented the HMO." Saint Peter looks down at him and says, "OK, you can go in...oh, by the way, you can only stay three days." 4/2/97, From Claudia W. Haynes, sam405@JUNO.COM: A short history of medicine: "I have an ear ache." 2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root. 1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer. 1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion. 1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill. 1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic. 2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root. 4/97, from Suzan: "The patient was given an enema and lactulose by mouth." "Cultures were negative for orgasms." 3/97, from Teri Darcy: He held his bladder all the way to the Kansas border. A month ago he knocked off his left olecranon. She didn't take her Lasix today as it makes her urinate often and she didn't want to urinate back and forth in the office. If the medicine works well, I will try to space out her appointments from now on. Patient is to come back in 10 days with a heating pad. [Huh?] She is to keep her legs up to her knees in tap water and Epsom salts. Reviewed the side effects with the patient in the PDR. She rode five hours in a car without stopping to go to Kansas. I believe the patient is sitting on an adenocarcinoma of the prostate. Blood pressure is better, with the diastolic down two pounds. She states that for the last two years her hair has been thinning and falling down and she doesn't know why. Chest x-ray in *1794* was normal. *Persuasion* (perfusion) appears to be essentially normal. If he continues to have problems, he will *contest* us in six months or so. (contact) [Well, I have heard of "numbskulls"] The pain seems to radiate up into her head, which she describes as a numb pressure. He lives alone and cooks himself. She says her shoulder bothers her a lot at night, but is not present now. Patient has no skin or other stigmata of hyperthyroidism. She has been holding herself responsible for her mother's being raped all her life. ...resulting in minimal *spondylolithiasis* (spondylolisthesis) at the L5 level. Patient has COPD but continues smoking; has yellow fingers from 120 *packs* of cigarettes. (120 pack years) She is grossly, probably morbidly, obese for her weight. GI questioning is negative for stool in the blood. Her vertigo has stopped; that problem is mute right now. Had the usual childhood illnesses, such as mumps, measles and chicken *punks.* Assessment: Myalgia related to previous *polo.* Because of morbid obesity, the patient was unable to be *weighted* here in the office. Patient has lost weight by not drinking alcohol, pop or fat. There is opacification of the tympanic membrane in the right ear, which will be sent to Dr. Blank. This is an elderly, *noncommunicable* lady with delusions and dementia. (uncommunicative) Will get urine on her in 10 days. (Ewww!) I don't know what is wrong with the patient, and Dr. Blank couldn't make a diagnosis and advised that the patient go to medical school. (What he meant here was that the patient was being sent to the university medical school hospital specialist for help with establishing a diagnosis.) Thought to have decreased breath sounds by the home visiting nurse in her lower lobe. She is married to a significantly older young male. I would like her to see a heart specialist for this wrist ganglion. [I just love it when they are bluntly descriptive!] Has had no more chest pain except one time when she ate a hell of a lot of Mexican food. The gastroenterologist told him he has been taking too much medicine and his stomach looks like a garbage can. Her husband is going to cook for her, which will be rather grotesque. [And now for the thank-god-I-caught-that-before-I-sent-it MT Blooper Department] She says she has been enjoying her piano *lesions*. (lessons) Prescribed birth control pills - *Desitin* 28 for one year. (Desogen) Will give him *Beclovent* for his bladder spasms. (Baclofen) Low back pain, now with some *ridiculous* (radicular) symptoms Patient will be tested for GC, chlamydia, etc. due to STUD exposure. (STD) She had recent blood work because of some *boozing* (bruising). Patient has cerumen *inaction* in the right external canal. (impaction) She returns with foot pain, but she is still wearing high-*helled* shoes. (heeled) Discussed prevention of pinkeye by thorough hand *walking* (washing) For his constipation, recommended stool softener and *brain* (bran) cereal. Fell down while roller *staking* (skating). High blood pressure is under *god* control. (good) The lesions were treated with frozen nitrogen *tripe* freeze. (triple) 2/97, From medical records by paramedics, emergency room receptionists and doctors at a major hospital: When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room. Rectal exam revealed a normal-sized thyroid. The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce. The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately. Diagnosis: Sick As Hell Disease The patient worked his entire life as a grain elevator. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week. Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accomodation. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like to work her up. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. She is numb from her toes down. Exam off genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot. While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home. The skin was moist and dry. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches. Coming from Detroit, this man has no children. Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress. Patient was alert and unresponsive. ***** 1/97, Necessary Attributes of a Medical Transcriptionist From Cici in Texas, cclovis@mail.gte.net Extensive knowledge of medical terminology. Positive attitude, enjoys a challenge. Indestructible eardrums, fingers, hands, and wrists (preferably bionic). Ability to survive for long periods on iced tea, coffee, or soft drinks. Extraordinary bladder capacity. Little need for sleep. (Ability to survive completely on catnaps considered a plus.) Ability to decipher 900-word-per-minute dictation and ignore extraneous sounds (particularly beepers, ringing telephones, hospital paging systems, and flipping of x-ray films). Lack of interest in celebration of major holidays. Close personal relationship with staff of 24-hour pharmacy. Self-raising children who never have personal crises. Ability to transcribe while sleeping considered an extraordinary plus. Husband/SO/roommate willing to cook, clean, and do laundry in complete silence. Minimal interest in anything resembling a social life. ***** MTs, the flies on the walls.... From Anne: I've heard lots of things while hand-held units are on. I know I have! A trip to the bathroom, some ornery stuff between a doctor and a tech, and a few choice words about a colleague.... From Robin: This would make an interesting topic in itself! Oh, the things I've heard while the doctor thought the dictation system was on hold, or when the tape was left running!! - "His" end of a telephone conversation between a radiologist and his wife... he left the recorder running as he was having a fight with her... and after he hung up the phone, a few choice sentiments expressed under his breath. - Some remarks among colleagues about a (presumably) attractive patient who was seen in the (same) radiology department, including speculations about some aspects of her private life. (Oh, those radiologists! They really should step out of those dark little rooms once in a while!) - My personal favorite: Many, many years ago after dictating a report on the hospital dictation system, the doctor hit the switchhook on the telephone to disconnect, and then placed another call. Apparently, he didn't disconnect the system. His late-night telephone call to his girlfriend, recorded in all it's x-rated glory by the dictation system was the talk of the transcription pool for *weeks*! ***** Bloopers from Teri Darcy: 1. He is given a prescription for 30 Darvocet in hopes that his knees will improve to the point that he won't need them any longer. 2. She has had this headache since 1988. 3. Patient has a followup visit with Dr. Blank but no other current complaints. 4. She had two deceased husbands who are already buried. 5. Has tenderness in the lateral part of each abdomen. 6. This patient is angry and comes in just to pick up a fight with me. 7. He has had his prostate out, making prostate infection less likely. 8. Past medical history is positive for arthritis, for which he takes Beclovent, Serevent and Ventolin inhalers. 9. Told the patient he won't wake up if he doesn't drink liquids before bedtime. 10. Patient already took 50 mg of Phenergan prior to arrival here by mouth. 11. Based on his progress, we should be able to stretch his visits out to a year. 12. She basically just sits in her wheelchair or on the couch and has very sedimentary behavior. 13. She was in the emergency room for 7 days for a laceration on the back of her head. 14. Her blood pressure was elevated, but at the time she was anxious to get rid of her Pap smear. 15. He adheres well to his medications. 16. He is on cephalexin for a rash on his legs from Dr. Blank. 17. We asked his daughter to come to the next visit to help dispose of her father. 18. After she has been lying a while, her back feels better. 19. Extremities reveal normal male genitalia. 20. The skin lesions were removed with sharp dissection and were then dressed. 21. Vagina is fairly well estrogenated with an Estraderm patch. 22. Patient has been exercising regularly with his wife. 23. Assessment: X-ray shows a possible fifth finger fracture. Plan: Will put a splint on it and send to radiologist for interpretation. 24. Breast cysts run in the family. 25. No sign of pneumonia and both chests are clear. 26. Experiencing paresthesias secondary to a TIA in the legs and fingers. 27. Patient in the office for the past three days with a harsh cough. 28. Here because she bit her right tongue. 29. She had some ankle swelling but cut out the salt and that took care of it. 30. She said her old knee was back. 31. Had a lesion on her back, which was itchy and fell off. 32. He has had difficulty holding onto things and has been *dripping* objects. 33. She sustained severe whiplash as *prescribed* by Dr. Blank. 34. Patient's religion is *nondemonological*. 35. Skin examination reveals a scaly *sot* on his face. 36. Slightly *overwhite* male. 37. She will *boast* her intake of vitamins. 38. Patient has fleeting pain lasting only a *fracture* of a second. 39. She has costochondritis and has been having *rectal*-sternal pain. 40. Patient is more prone to developing a fungal *rush*. ******* Recent exchange on sci.med.transcription newsgroup: Newcomer: Is there is a charge to post jobs on this board? Su: Definitely. It goes to a special trust fund set aside for the sanitarium many MTs go to when this job gets to be too much. Bob: Are you really telling me that a portion of what I'm spending here goes to a trust fund at the "Transitional Loving Home" for the terminally bewildered? Will I really be taken care of there when I start drooling? Cici: Drooling is no reason to give up MT, as long as you can avoid drooling into your keyboard. Only when you start transcribing every single word the doctor says, third left hands, sneezing eardrums, male patients' Pap smear results and all, do they come with their little white dinner jackets complete with buckles and cart you off to the Home for the Bewildered. I'll see about reserving you the room next to mine. ******* NOW, WHAT'S THE TERM? Now...... what is acetabulum left big toe or rib or thumb? Is metatarsus for the hips could fibula be for the lips? Right and left and mid phalanges oh, how I need a reference handy! Without all these, a term like thorax could be a doctor's scrub with borax Inguinal might stand for full or medicine or baby's drool Alas! I hear the doorbell ring what does my trusty mailman bring? A wealth of terminology from all who came to rescue me So, thank you all for all you've done now.....where's the sphincter, toe or thumb? --Diane Stewart To all who have answered my terminology questions and sent used books, I thank you with my whole vocabulary!!! Believe me, when I get a new terminology book, I'll remember your kindness and help other newbies out by giving them my extras, answering their questions, and being there for them as you have been for me. Have a great day!!! ***** From Mitzi Ponce, in view of preferring DOS and WP51 to Windows, and having to learn a new OS (operating system): She says, "In the end, all I can do is use Thomas's poem and pray for his forgiveness (with my pronunciation of 'oz' and 'doz,' enough to kill a stickler): Do not go gentle into that new OS, Old MTs should burn and rave at close of day; Rage, rage against the dying of the DOS. Though wise MTs know Win products give pause, Because their pleas bounce off cruel IS, they Do not go gentle into that good OS. Good MTs, the last wave by, crying what cause? Their nimble fingers might have danced in a former day, Rage, rage against the dying of the DOS. Wild MTs who macroed in every recurring doctor clause, And learn, too late, macros convert in a strange way, Do not go gentle into that good OS. Grave MTs, near conversion day, lend solitary applause, To the speed demon WP soon to be a castaway, Rage, rage against the dying of the DOS. And you, my friend, about to discover flaws, Of a ballyhooed new OS, now with your curses, I pray Do not go gentle into that good OS. Rage, rage against the dying of the DOS. ******* From Birdsong8: I'll never forget the sweetest doctor I ever knew, one who *always* knew there were live people on the other end of the tape & thanked us personally when he knew us. One late evening before the Christmas holidays, another night of (rather boring) geriatric f/up notes was enlivened when this sweet guy dictated the entire progress note to the tune of O Tannenbaum! Wish I had saved the tape. Nothin' left to do but smile, smile, smile . . . ******* "The patient was feeling better. He was noted to be walking the halls today. This evening he was missing in action." Robin Merica, rmerica@prodigy.com: Hooo boy.... after a long day in front of the computer, I decided to jot down a few (tongue-in-cheek) dictation guidelines for your (collective) amusement. Feel free to amend these with examples of your favorite (!) "transgressions". DICTATION GUIDELINES 1. Dictate in the noisiest environment you can find. For example, dictate operative notes in the Post Anesthesia Care Unit, so the transcriptionist will be able to hear the moans and cries of the poor soul you operated on, coming out of anesthesia. ER notes should be dictated in the ER, preferably the area where there's the most activity. We love to listen you dictate against the backdrop of various bodily functions, screams, alarms, sirens and civil unrest. It's better than watching the television series! 2. If you can't find a noisy part of the hospital in which to dictate, try to provide your own background noise. Feel free to eat, drink or use the toilet while you're dictating. Flip through a 200-page chart for an hour (without putting the dictating system on "hold"), looking for that one elusive blood gas value. Sigh to yourself often and mutter obscenities under your breath. Get up frequently from your dictation (again, without putting the system on "hold") and be sure to drop the receiver onto a hard surface when you do. Nothing wakes us up like a punctured ear drum. 3. Dictate late at night, when you're really, really sleepy. Don't bother to repeat any dictation that you've yawned in the middle of... we love the challenge of trying to figure out what "aaaagggggghhhhhhhhhhh" means. 4. If the above aren't possible, try dictating from your *car phone*, while the radio is playing, or your kids are fighting in the back seat. Traffic noises in the background and the static from your driving under a bridge are especially appreciated. 5. If you really want to show the transcriptionist how much you're thinking of her, try this: dictate your note into a hand-held recorder, then play it over your car phone into the hospital dictation system. Nothing says "I care" more than the migraine she's gonna get transcribing it. 6. Don't bother to spell any patient names. We *love* trying to figure out the spelling of "Fahrvergnugen". Better yet, don't even bother to *give* the patient's name or record number. Let those poor slobs in Medical Records try to figure out the identity of the 69-year-old white male admitted with chest pain. 7. Talk as fast or as slow as you possibly can. Try to dictate a three-page report in one exhaled breath. Variety is the spice of life. Remember to dictate some reports where you pause ten minutes between each word. 8. The more trivial and insignificant the operative procedure, the longer the report should be. It should take four times longer to dictate the operative report than to actually perform the surgery. Surgical removal of a toenail should run about fourteen pages. Conversely, the more complicated the surgical procedure, the shorter the report. You should be able to take someone's head off and sew it back on in half a page. 9. After dictating a 45-minute long report in which you've adhered to the above guidelines, tell the transcriptionist at the very end... "Oh, forget this report. Don't transcribe it. I'm gonna redictate!" ******* From Teri Darcy (Shebastorm) Docs must have been looking at the lovely falling leaves when they dictated these little bloopers: Patient had a hysterectomy 14 years ago. Uterus is still present. (Who was *her* surgeon?) She will need a liver evaluation within one month to make sure it is gone. (If thy liver bothereth thee, pluck it out?) Patient denies use of alcohol or illicit vitamins. (This is the police! Give up the One-A-Days!) ;> Complains of feeling a chest in the midsternal area. (Good spot for a chest, actually!) Takes estrogen in the form of Tums. (What will these OTC meds contain next!) I must have been *smoking* the autumn leaves when I typed these silly mistakes: Pelvic exam shows some *bugling* [bulging] in the vaginal area. (It's not nice to blow reveille in the doc's ear!) Patient was dressed in jeans and a tee *shit*. [shirt] (Ewwwww! Gross!) Thanks to Bill Bentsen for this list of headlines: * Grandmother of eight makes hole in one * Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing * Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers * House passes gas tax onto senate * Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan * Two convicts evade noose, jury hung * William Kelly was fed secretary * Milk drinkers are turning to powder * Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted * Quarter of a million Chinese live on water * Farmer bill dies in house * Iraqi head seeks arms Some become unintentionally suggestive: * Queen Mary having bottom scraped * Is there a ring of debris around Uranus? * Prostitutes appeal to Pope * Panda mating fails - veterinarian takes over * NJ judge to rule on nude beach * Child's stool great for use in garden * Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors * Soviet virgin lands short of goal again * Organ festival ends in smashing climax Grammar often botches other headlines: * Eye drops off shelf * Squad helps dog bite victim * Dealers will hear car talk at noon * Enraged cow injures farmer with ax * Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests * Miners refuse to work after death * Two Soviet ships collide - one dies * Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter Sometimes newspaper editors state the obvious: * If strike isn't settled quickly it may last a while * War dims hope for peace * Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency * Cold wave linked to temperatures * Child's death ruins couple's holiday * Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years * Man is fatally slain * Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say * Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation Once in a while, a botched headline takes on a meaning opposite from the one intended: * Never withhold herpes from loved one * Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy * Drunk drivers paid $1,000 in 1984 * Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better ********** Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered." The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order." The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded." Found by Bill Bentsen: Follow all of these instructions carefully for error-free floppies!! 1. Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders. 2. Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing the diskettes, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time. 3. Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" diskettes may be folded and used in "little" disk drives. 4. Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive. 5. Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the xerox machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes into the drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written on both diskettes. 6. Diskettes should not be inserted or removed from the drive while the red light is flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is "hooking" you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed access to the slot. 7. If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for 2 minutes. This will pack the data enough (Data Compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all the openings with scotch tape to prevent loss data. 8. Access time can be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk. 9. Diskettes may be used as coasters for beverage glasses, provided that they are properly waxed beforehand. Be sure to wipe the diskettes dry before using. (see item 2 above) 10. Never use scissors and glue to manually edit documents. The data is stored much too small for the naked eye, and you may end up with data from some other document stuck in the middle of your document. Razor blades and scotch tape may be used, however, provided the user is equipped with an electron microscope. 11. Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading. ********** Here's a humorous book about hospitals that some of you might want to read. It's called Medical Secrets by Jeff Charlebois. To order it see the website: http://www.bookworld.com/medsec.htm >>>>> Schubert's Unfinished Symphony <<<<< Our hospital CEO was recently given a pair of tickets for a performance of Schubert's Unfinished Symphony. Since he was unable to go, he passed the invitation to the company's Quality Assurance Manager. The next morning, the CEO asked him how he enjoyed it. Instead of a few plausible observations, he was handed a memorandum that read as follows 1. For a considerable period, the oboe players had nothing to do. Their number should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole orchestra, thus avoiding peaks of inactivity. 2. All twelve violins were playing identical notes. This seems unnecessary duplication, and the staff of this section should be drastically cut. If a large volume of sound is really required, this could be obtained through the use of an amplifier. 3. Much effort was involved in playing the demi-semiquavers. This seems an excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all notes should be rounded up to the nearest semiquaver. If this were done, it would be possible to use trainees instead of craftsmen. 4. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were eliminated, the concert could be reduced from two hours to twenty minutes. Administrative Analysis: In light of the above, one can only conclude that had Schubert given attention to these matters, he probably would have had the time to finish his symphony. _____________ Thanks to Bev Hearn for this find: Ode to a Teaching Hospital (Apologies to Carl Sandburg..spinning like a lathe in his grave) Huckster capital of the world stacker of parking passes player in municipal tax avoidance and the Nation's troll handler Hospital of the big consultation They tell me you are wicked and I believe them for I have seen your painted nurses step into open manholes and disappear without a trace. They tell me you are decrepit and I answer: "yes, it's true..I have seen your elevators jam and go free to jam again. They tell me you are brutal and my reply is: on the faces of women and children I have seen nausea as they exit the cafeteria. And having answered so I turn once more to those who sneer at this my hospital and give them back the sneer and say to them: Come show me another hospital with snotty noses, sunburns and traumatic amputations arm in arm, back to back belly to belly in the waiting rooms. Fierce as armadillos in heat cunning as welfare mothers pitted against the Department of Human Resources. Bare bottomed, sniveling clucking, sliming snorkeling, gurgling Laughing the stormy, husky, brawling laughter of welfare manipulators, half naked, sweating, proud to be in the huckster capital, stacker of parking passes, player in municipal tax avoidance and troll handler to the nation. --David Crippen, MD, FCCM Listgruppenmeister Ministry of CCM-L HQ, St. Francis Medical Center Pittsburgh, Pa 15201 URL: http://www.pitt.edu/~crippen/ _________________________ "I had the pleasure of beating your nice patient, Mrs. Smith..." 8/18/96, from Deb Hearn: Here are a few sites I've found that are medically oriented: David Crippen's Humor Page - Dr. Crippen is an ER doc in Pittsburgh, and he's a clever guy. His URL is: http://www.pitt.edu/~crippen/jokes If you read far enough down his page, you will find the instructions to get on the Med-Jokes mailing list, which is how I got the "You might be an ER doc if...." posting. Otherwise, to sign up on the list, you send an e-mail to: majordomo@list.pitt.edu. In the Messages are of the e-mail address put: "SUBSCRIBE MED-JOKES "(not case sensitive). DO NOT include your name or your e-mail address. I think I usually put "subscribe" or some such in the Subject area of the e-mail, but I don't think that makes any difference. As with all mailing lists, it's a good idea to print out and retain the directions for getting off the mailing list if you decide it's not for you. Also, another area that has a kind of "sample" bulletin is the web site for the Journal of Nursing Jocularity. Their URL is http://www.jocularity.com/index.html They don't change this very often, but some of the articles are cute. It may be geared more to selling their monthly publication. I think someone sent me an photocopy of one of their advertisements called "Velco in Psychiatry". It was pretty funny. Of a non-medical humor nature, I have the newsgroup alt.humor.best-of-usenet flagged right alongside sci.med.transcription. Sometimes you will run into some good stuff on that. Another gold mine is http://www.exit109.com/~zaweb/pip/humor.htm ------------ Have you ever played bluff or dictionary? Everyone writes a phony definition for a given word, and one person writes down the real definition. Then they are read and everyone tries to guess which is the true definition. Wish we could find a way to play it on here, it's hilarious. For a starter: Which is the real definition? (I can't even tell if these are funny because I know the answers.) -Mary 1. deorsumvergence a. the junction between the nose and the eyes. b. a convergence of two vessels in the branches of the dorsal vein. c. the condition of one eye holding still, one eye looking down. d. an anomaly of hearing where sounds are distorted differently in each ear. 2. blastodermic a. of or pertaining to the germinal membrane of a fertilized ovum. b. concerning a skin condition caused by excessive blasts cells. c. the state of pressurized fluid in hypodermic needle when prepared for injection. d. a condition of decay in the development and division of cells. 3. polar anemia a. anemia from cold exposure. b. anemia unique to the population of the polar caps of the earth. c. anemia caused by bipolar illness. d. anemia related to Eskimos eating polar bear meat. 4. atlantodidymus a. a bacteria found along the coast of the Atlantic Ocean that causes ear infections. b. a two-headed fetus. c. a disease of the kidney named for an ancient Greek physician. d. an extremely swollen epididymis. From Mitzi Ponce: I was thinking about that nifty little book that came out a few years ago which described all the proper terms for groups of animals; a murder of crows, a pride of lions, and so on. a stare of eyes a knock of knees a clip of toes a welt of wrinkles an angst of ankles a flush of cheeks a slip of lips a waggle of tongues a plug of pores an eruption of faces a school of soles, or, a gathering of soles a rattle of skeletons a lair of epidermis (no groaning) a nest of ova, and finally a gap of teeth a fun of knees a crack of knuckles a glut of buttocks From Cynthia Lewis: A fleet of navel A loaf of heel A frond of palm A sag of breast A stand (or droop) of penis A bounce of testicle A stack of lumbar (groan) A pooch of stomach A pickle of digit A symphony of tympany A kettle of eardrum A blink of eye A pug of nose A purse of lip An ooze of kidney A cord of limb A herd of calf a grope of groans - Thom Foulks From Mary Morken: a tremor of nerves a seizure of neurons a belly of muscles a joint of bones a field of skin a cushion of soft tissue a cart of cartilage a node of lymph a band of ligament a trans-Atlantic PEG tube?! From Julie Veronick: 1. The doxepin has helped her sleep considerably at the expense of some bad dreams (weird trade-off if you ask me!). 2. The patient injured her right fifth hand while playing basketball (I know a few NBA recruiters who would like to sign this gal up!). 3. Her pelvis has improved, although she still has some soreness after walking about her right sacrum (walking on those sacrums can be such a pain!). 4. He is playing baseball with his thumb (see #3 above-except baseball recruiters). 5. Minimal if any displacement of lateral malleolus fracture of left elbow (need a little remedial anatomy and physiology doctor?). 6. She is now aware of the ability to elevate the shoulder with gravity neutralized in a supine position (if gravity is laying down will we all slide off the edge of the earth or go flying off into space?). From Suzanne: About a week ago, she did not feel very well. She contacted Dr. Smith and then began feeling better. Past medical history includes several admissions for exasperation of lung disease. She was having a little problem holding onto her urine. He has had increasing difficulty with ambulation and walking. He has had no bowel habits, although initially he stated that when he was admitted this was his major problem. She has two living children, one of which has died. Some of the questions I was asking her about her higher mental functioning do not make any sense. Dr. Smith concurred and agreed to evaluate the patient on the floor. I had been contacted by this lady's sister with whom she was residing by phone. She was also instructed to gargle with salt water every two to three hours when awake. Stressors include the fact that his neighbor has a large dog who does not follow leash laws. The patient now states that she has been having trouble eating food. The patient is having increased difficulty doing his daily activities such as reading, watching television, and driving outside. Beconase nasal spray to each nose. Picture this one: An 85-year-old white female presents to the emergency department today stating that she was in the bathroom helping the carpenter, lost her balance, tripped in a hole, and fell forward, striking both of her knees and right wrist. From Dianne Simon, who originally collected these years ago when she was still using a typewriter: The left leg became numb at times and she walked it off. The patient has chest pain if she lives on her left side for over a year. Her father died in his 90s of female trouble in the prostate and kidneys. Both the patient and the nuse herself reported passing flatus. SKIN: Somewhat pale but present. On the second day the knee was better. On the third day it had completely disappeared. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor. The patient stated that if she would lie down, within 2-3 minutes something would come across her abdomen and knock her up. By the time she was admitted to the hospital, her rapid heart had stopped and she was feeling much better. The patient has bilateral varicosities below the legs. If he squeezes the back of his neck for 4-5 years it comes and goes. The patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith who felt he should sit tight on the abdomen and I agreed. The speculum was inserted between the eyes. Dr. Smith is watching his prostate. DISCHARGE STATUS: Alive but without permission. Coming from Detroit, Michigan, this man has no children. At the time of onset of pregnancy, the mother was undergoing bronchoscopy. She was treated with Mycostatin oral suppositories. This is a healthy-appearing, decrepit, 60-year-old white female, mentally alert but forgetful. When you pin him down, he has some slowing of the stream. Fractured pelvis and right breast came off with traction. Funduscopic examination reveals no choking of the breasts. This is an 86-year-old female who is familiar with me. The patient is explored using a Balfour tractor. Her children are 12, 10 and 9; husband is approximately the same age. Basically she is blind and wants something done about her foot. Because of the fever, Dr. Smith did a pelvic examination. The patient also has tangling of the feet. Rectal examination revealed no masses but did show yellow shoes. Vagina: Rejected. Since the patient was a minor, she was placed in the lateral decubitus position. Abdomen is soft, bowel sounds are pleasant.