Just for Fun

From Julie Veronick, flying_fingers@prodigy.com
Recently I knew I had been working too much and too hard. When I am at work and helping someone with a word they can't understand, after they play it out loud I usually say, "Play it again." Well, the other day my 11-year-old son said something to me and I didn't quite hear what he said. I was busy doing something, so I said to him, "Play it again." He just stopped and looked at me, and then it hit me what I said! He knew for sure that mom had gone around the bend!

Today one particular doctor's dictation was really terrible. Well, our digital dictation system filled up and the doctor finished her day's dictation on a tape of very poor quality. My supervisor was trying to listen to the tape on a hand-held machine to see if the quality was any better. She would listen a little, then hit rewind, listen, rewind. At one point, she was working so hard at listening that while she was rewinding the hand-held unit, she was also using the foot pedal on the tape machine in exact unison with her foot on the foot pedal. The machine kept beeping, and I turned around to look at her just as she realized what she was doing. We needed the comic relief by then!

First place goes to a very nice and personable applicant, who in a straightforward manner informed me that she considered herself qualified. She stated her reason: "I have a neighbor who is an ambulance driver and he and I talk a lot."

Using the same verbiage the doctor used but with different punctuation, how about: The patient said, "She told my mother I was suicidal." If the patient said that she'd told her mother she was suicidal, then how about: The patient said that she told her mother, "I was suicidal." It's difficult to tell who said what based on the dictation. Is "she" referring to the patient, or is "she" referring to someone else whom the patient is speaking about?

From Bill's friend David: Here's the way I see it: The patient is a friend of the doctor's mother, and she (the patient) told the doctor's mother that her son (the doctor) is suicidal! The doctor's own words were transcribed, "The patient said she told my mother I was suicidal." Since this is the doctor speaking, when he said "my mother" he is actually referring to his own mother, and the "I" in "I was suicidal" is referring to himself!

The patient probably said something like ... "Ya know Ira, I was having lunch with your mom the other day and I told her that you were suicidal." The doctor then dictated this statement as, "The patient said she told my mother I was suicidal." It's clear to me that you have a suicidal doctor here -- one of his patients knows it -- and she told his mother!

Description of Procedure: Employing logical standards, a sanitary environment was established in and around the operative area. Then observing reasonable operating procedure site preparations, monitoring and anesthetic measures were carried out. When it was determined that the appropriate level of anesthesia had been obtained, the patient was comfortable and all systems were functioning properly, surgery was initiated."

When interviewing a patient before surgery, he would give the names of the nurses, family members, who were there when he explained the procedure to the patient. He reported the names of everyone in the operating room, and lastly, also dictated at the end of the report "Dictated, Signed, but not read"!

You yawn, you sneeze, you cough, you chew.
You ramble on, no point in view.
And if I typed just what you said,
I know that you'd be seeing red.

I know dictation is not fun,
But please don't race to get it done.
If you see blanks within your chart
And think we are not very smart,
Please do not be too upset.
We do our best with what we get.

Artery: The study of paintings
Bacteria: Back door of a cafeteria
Barium: What doctors do when patients die
Bowel: A, E, I, O, or U
Cesarean section: A neighborhood in Rome
CAT scan: Searching for kitty
Cauterize: Made eye contact with her
Coma: A punctuation mark
D&C: Where Washington is
Dilate: To live long
Enema: Not a friend
Fester: Quicker
Fibula: A small lie
Genital: Not a Jew
GI series: A baseball game in the Army
Hangnail: A coat hook
Impotent: Distinguished; well known
Labor pain: Getting hurt at work
Morbid: A higher offer
Nitrates: Opposite of day rates
Node: Was aware of
Outpatient: A person who has fainted
Pap smear: A fatherhood test
Pelvis: Cousin of Elvis
Postoperative: A letter carrier
Recovery room: A place to do upholstery
Rectum: Dang near killed him
Secretion: Hiding something
Seizure: A Roman emperor
Tablet: A small table
Terminal illness: Getting sick at the airport
Tumor: More than one
Urine: Opposite of "you're out"
Varicose: Near by
Vein: Conceited; a large ego
Colic: A sheepdog
Medical staff: A doctor's cane
Minor operation: Coal digging
Organic: Church musician
Serology: Study of English knighthood
Varicose veins: Veins that are very close together
Protein: In favor of young people
Benign: What you are after you be eight

"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."
"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube."
"When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide."
"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars."
"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."
"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."
"Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."
"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."
"A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
"The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects."
"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."
"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."
"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is." "Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."
"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
"Liter: A nest of young puppies."
"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."
"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."
"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."
"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."
"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."
"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your throat."
"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are codependent , please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer."