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Jokes 1997 / Jokes 1996 / Doctors' Names / RXLaughs / Back to Free Stuff

1/98, from Bill Bentsen:
Actual newspaper headlines for 1997:
1. Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
4. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
5. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
6. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
9. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
10. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
11. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
12. Eye Drops Off Shelf
13. Teachers Strike Idle Kids
14. Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
15. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
16. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
17. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
18. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
19. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
20. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter
21. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Times in 10 Years
22. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
23. War Dims Hope for Peace
24. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
25. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
26. Deer Kill 17,000
27. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
28. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
29. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
30. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
31. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
32. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
33. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
34. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
35. Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire
36. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
37. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
38. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
39. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

7/97, A Country Gentlemens Guide to Computer Lingo

LOG ON: Making the wood stove hotter
LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood
MONITOR: Keepin an eye on that woodstove
DOWNLOAD: Geting the farwood ofn the truk
FLOPPY DISK: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much
RAM: That thar thing whut splits th farwood
HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in th einter taim
PROMPT: Whut th mail ain't in the winter taim
WINDOWS: Whut to shut when its cold outside
SCREEN: Whut to shut off when its blak fly season
BYTE: Whut them dang flys do
CHIP: Munchies fer th TV
MICRO CHIP: Whuts left in th munchie bag
MODEM: Whatcha did to the hay fields
DOT MATRIX: Ol Dan Matrix's wife
LAP TOP: Whur the kitty sleeps
KEYBOARD: Whur ya hang th dang keys
SOFTWARE: Them dang plastik forks and knifs
MOUSE: What eats th grain in th barn
MAIN FRAME: Holds up th barn roof
PORT: Fancy Flatlander Wine
ENTER: Northern fer c'mon in y'all

7/97, These are actual excuse notes from parents to the school teachers (including original spelling) Collected by Nisheeth Parekh, University of Texas Medical Branch @ Galveston

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diahre dyrea direathe the shits.

Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, what do you think?

6/97, From MT Daily Message Board:
"The patient had a penile transplant." (implant)
"The patient was coded on the operating table but he is much better now."
"The patient was discharged from the OB/GYN department to carry on with her affairs."
"The patient stubbed his toe on a toolbox walking down the hall."
"The patient had an injury on the fourth, fifth, and sixth digits of the right hand.
6/97, An update from "Jargon Watch" on new lingo flowing out of the Silicon Valley and corporate jungles....

batmobiling - Putting up emotional shields from the retracting armor that covers the batmobile as in "she started talking marriage and he started batmobiling."

prairie dogging - In companies where everyone has a cubicle something happens and everyone pops up to look.

betamaxed - When a technology is overtaken in the market by inferior but better marketed competition as in "Microsoft betamaxed Apple right out of the market."

generica - Fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions as in "we were so lost in generica that I couldn't remember what city it was."

going postal - Totally stressed out and losing it like postal employees who go on shooting rampages.

high dome - Egghead, scientist, PhD.

irritainment - Annoying but you can't stop watching, e.g. the O.J. trial.

meatspace - The physical world (as opposed to the virtual); also "carbon community," "facetime," "F2F," "RL."

percussive maintenance - The fine art of whacking a device to get it working.

siliwood - The coming convergence of movies, interactive TV and computers; also "hollywired."

square-headed girlfriend or boyfriend - Computer.

treeware - Manuals and documentation.

umfriend - Sexual relationship; "This is Dale,"

yuppie food coupons - Twenty dollar bills from an ATM.

6/13/97 Medical Names Master List, thanks to the MTs at AOL

Dr. Butts - a colorectal surgeon
Dr. Richard Butcher - general surgeon
Dr. Sueme
Dr. John P. Long - urologist
Dr. Toothman - DDS
Dr. Blinder - ophthalmologist
Dr. Foote - podiatrist
Dr. Anolik
Dr. Bluett - cardiovascular surgeon
Dr. Sen (pronounced sin) - psychiatrist
Dr. Butts - proctologist
Dr. Tickle - veterinarian
Dr. Chow - GI
Dr. Bamforth - chiropractor
Dr. Slaughter - oral surgeon
Dr. Loveless - AID/HIV specialist
Dr. Fear - veterinarian
Dr. Orth - orthopedic surgeon
Dr. Harry Beaver - gynecologist (!)
Dr. Killingsworth - surgeon
Dr. Death - anesthesiologist
Dr. Bony Fields Barrineau - orthopedist
Dr. James E. Shotts - otolaryngology
Dr. Luis Concepcion - OB/Gyn
Dr. Pain - DDS
Dr. Lips - DDS
Dr. Popp - chiropractor
Dr. Colon - Gastroenterologist
Dr. Doan Du Dat
Dr. Hans Peter Horney
Dr. Waterfallen - gynecologist
Dr. Amil Butt - proctologist
Dr. Hole, D.O. - gynecologist
Dr. Luck - orthopedic surgeon
Dr. Sunshine - ER doc
Dr. FU - unknown specialty
Dr. Gause - Orthopedics
Dr. Goodenough - Neurology
Dr. Lipman - dermatologist
Dr. Smyle - pediatrician
Dr. Dart - vascular surgeon
Dr. Strait Fairey - Family Practice
Dr. Balz - proctologist
Dr. Woomer - OB/GYN
Dr. Hacker - surgeon
Dr. Bone - orthopedist
Dr. Leslie Plack - DDS
Dr. Bonebreaker
Dr. Bonesetter
Dr. Paw - Cardiology

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